


take me home to you

by catsarelife24



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 20:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19341595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsarelife24/pseuds/catsarelife24
Summary: taeil learns what love feels like





	take me home to you

**Author's Note:**

> this was totally self-indulgent and not edited

 

taeil thinks that when he meets the love of his life, he’ll know. he expects sparks to fly, as cliche as that sounded. he expects it to be this instant thing where he just knows and it’s perfect. when taeil meets johnny, he thinks he’s a big goof. it's at his friend, doyoung’s party. doyoung insists that he’s found someone for taeil, a guy in his film studies class. yeah, johnny is tall and handsome with soft brown eyes and a smile that gives taeil a strange feeling in his stomach, but taeil doesn’t know about the whole dating thing. he hasn’t seriously talked to anyone in three years, a boyfriend who he had spent a year with until he left, claiming taeil was too much to deal with. it was funny because taeil’s mental stability was better three years ago. 

 

taeil and johnny spend the night talking, in their own little corner while the rest of the party rages on. taeil can’t help but notice johnny’s cute half-moon eyes when he laughs, or just how giggly he gets after a few beers. it’s endearing, really. johnny is silly and goofy, but when talking about films or music or photography he gets that look on his face that taeil can only describe as passion. taeil sits and listens to johnny for hours. johnny apologizes for talking so much, but taeil just smiles and says it’s okay. he likes listening to johnny anyway. 

 

it’s late when johnny asks taeil if he wants to go out sometime and he looks genuinely confused and hurt when taeil politely declines. 

 

“not even as friends?” johnny asks.

 

“i’m really busy. i’m sorry,” it isn’t a lie as much as it is an excuse. taeil doesn’t want to confess it, especially to himself, but he’s scared. he’s scared of falling in love with someone who will just leave him again. so he declines johnny and goes on his way. 

 

it’s taeil’s senior year. he really is busy, it’s not a lie. he’s just gotten an internship through his major, which he juggles while also taking classes. he’s a music major and throws himself into making music. some of it’s bad and leaves taeil wondering why, at twenty-two years old, he’s pursuing something that he might never achieve. he wants to sing and he wants to compose music, but some nights, real late at night, he wonders if he can do it. he can’t help but feel like a sort of imposter when he lags behind his classmates. he wonders if something is wrong with him. 

 

doyoung and taeyong are always there to cheer him on, check up on him, make sure he’s still breathing. taeil knows they get worried sometimes. taeil’s a perfectionist, sometimes forgetting to eat or sleep when working on a project. he’s just busy. it’s his senior year and it is important for him to work hard. that’s what he keeps telling himself when it’s four in the morning and he’s just finishing a song demo for a project and his eyes are bloodshot and he can’t feel his hands. 

 

***

 

it isn’t long before johnny finds him again. it’s through doyoung,  _ again. _

 

“why don’t you just give him a chance?” he asks. “he’s a nice guy. i know you know that.” taeil looks at him with wary eyes and lets him continue. “i saw you two at my party. please, just go out with him once. for my own sanity, at least.”

 

taeil thinks for a second. “okay.”

 

“so yes?”

 

“yes.” if johnny is that adamant about taking taeil out, how can he say no? it’s just one date. one night and he doesn’t have to see johnny’s stupid cute face again.

 

taeil gets a text the next day from johnny. he asks to get coffee on friday at five. taeil says that he can do coffee. johnny texts him the two days leading up to friday. taeil ignores them.

 

they meet at a coffee shop not too far from taeil’s apartment. it’s one of his favorites and he wonders if johnny asked doyoung. he doesn’t say anything though, just smiles and waves at johnny, who is already sitting in the very back corner booth.

 

“didn’t know if you’d show; you never answered my other texts,” johnny says.

 

taeil smiles sheepishly. “sorry, busy with classes.”

 

“you’re busy a lot, huh?”

 

“well, it is my senior year,” taeil answers.

 

“and that means you can’t have fun every once in a while?”

 

“i had enough fun my freshman year.”

 

it was true. taeil had a good time with his ex. the parties, booze, the sex. all of that was fine for his ex, but god forbid he tries to kill himself one time, and that crosses the line. taeil hasn’t gotten drunk since and hasn’t let one single person see a sliver of skin underneath his shirt.

 

taeil doesn’t tell johnny this, though. 

 

they order. taeil gets an iced americano and johnny gets a vanilla frappuccino, taeil sticking his nose up to the sound of the sickeningly sweet drink. johnny also orders a basket of chocolate croissants. 

 

“is this okay?” johnny asks. 

 

“sweet food is fine; i just don’t like my coffee sweet.”

 

johnny nods like he’s trying to understand, but he can’t quite. 

 

the drinks and food arrive quickly and taeil laughs at how fast johnny drinks his coffee. taeil blushes and covers his mouth when johnny starts making heart eyes again.

 

“haven’t heard you laugh in a long time,” johnny says and taeil scoffs.

 

“yeah, because you haven’t seen me in a long time.”

 

“i guess we’ll have to change that then,” johnny smiles smugly and taeil can’t help but roll his eyes to try to hide his genuine smile.

 

they fall into a rhythm again, reminding taeil of that first night when they sat and talked and taeil tried to stop himself from falling in love, except this time he lets himself. maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, but he finds himself hanging onto every word that falls from johnny’s mouth. johnny tells him about his friends, ten, jaehyun, kun, and others he can’t remember. taeil notes to himself that johnny has a lot of friends. a lot more than taeil. they sip their own respective cups of coffee and eat the croissants until the only thing left is ice in the cups and crumbs in the basket and taeil’s laughing at the chocolate on johnny’s face. 

 

it’s been hours since they first arrived at the coffee shop and they’re just now leaving. johnny insists on paying. “it’s no big deal,” he says and taeil lets him. he also lets him walk him home, even though taeil knows johnny’s place is in the opposite direction. johnny’s presence feels warm; they aren’t touching, but taeil can feel him as they walk, arms sometimes brushing. taeil feels crazy when he thinks maybe this is the calmest he’s felt in a long time. 

 

they enjoy the calm silence until they arrive outside taeil’s apartment too fast for his liking. taeil thinks johnny looks pretty in this lighting, the sun just above the horizon, leaving an orange glow on the both of them. taeil thinks he looks pretty and when johnny asks if he can kiss him, he nods.

 

johnny’s so gentle, cupping taeil’s face as if he would break. he lets his lips hover in front of taeil’s before pressing their lips together. johnny’s slow, taking his time, easing between taeil’s lips. taeil knows johnny knows that he’s nervous, but when johnny presses himself against taeil, his mouth goes slack allowing johnny to lead him. they kiss like that, against the old brick building, until they both run out of air. 

 

johnny shuffles a step back, eyes glassy and lips just a little redder than before. taeil doesn’t know what to say. he finds himself unable to speak. 

 

johnnys lets his hand rest on taeil’s waist and taeil lets him, the touch comforting. “i want to see you again.”

 

“yes,” taeil replies, breathless.

 

the next time johnny texts him, he replies right away, which just so happens to be when taeil gets up to his apartment. and when johnny wants to take him out again, taeil accepts, which excites doyoung as much as it does johnny.

 

***

 

it’s been three years since taeil’s last relationship and he thinks he deserves something nice for a change. taeil and johnny go out a few more times and johnny is always so gentle. he’s nice and wonderful and taeil is terrified that he is actually falling in love with the cute tall guy from doyoung’s film studies class. 

 

the next time johnny kisses him, taeil says “i think i really like you,” and that’s enough for johnny. it’s intoxicating, really. not just the kisses, but taeil finds that being with johnny is like always having that comforting feeling. like spending a rainy day under a big blanket and watching netflix and eating m&ms like nothing else matters. johnny makes taeil feel good. he really does feel good. 

 

taeil thinks maybe he can spend forever like this, with johnny, under the covers, just feeling his warm body next to his. he wants to spend forever like this, but then he realizes reality is a thing and the nice fuzzy feeling wears off when taeil has several projects due by the end of the semester, which is in three weeks and taeil decides to stop answering text messages. 

 

he’s behind in his classes, more than before. he doesn’t blame johnny; he blames himself. he should’ve known he can’t handle a relationship and school at the same time. he’s tried it before. all it did was leave jagged scars on his wrists. he ignores johnny, his texts, his calls. he calls so much. taeil’s inbox is full but he can’t let himself be distracted. he drowns himself in his final assignments and projects. he spends hours in the studio, in the library, at his desk, juggling his laptop, coffee, and does anything to keep himself awake. 

 

it’s been weeks and taeil has one more final. a stupid history final for a core required class. it’s in three hours and he’s studying, sitting on the floor of his living room when he hears a knock at his door. he answers it, stupidly, and johnny’s standing there. he comes in without an invite and taeil furrows his eyebrows. 

 

“i’m trying to study for a final,” he says and johnny looks at him, shocked. taeil doesn’t understand why he’s so shocked. 

 

“taeil, you haven’t talked to me in weeks. i would’ve thought you were dead if doyoung didn’t update me,” johnny says. “you could’ve told me and we could’ve taken a break so you could focus on classes. you should’ve told me.”

 

taeil shakes his head. “i couldn’t. it’s too much. i can’t focus on both; it’s too much.” taeil can’t form full sentences, his eyes already filling with tears and his brain is in overdrive. he needs to study. he needs to focus. he doesn’t deserve johnny and that feeling he gives him.

 

johnny’s face drops and he reaches out for taeil, in hopes of comforting, but taeil flinches away.

 

“don’t touch me.”

 

“please, taeil, let me help you,” johnny’s voice wavers.

 

“i don’t need help. i’m just trying to get done with this semester. is it so horrible that i want to do good?” taeil begins to raise with voice.

 

as johnny takes a few steps forward, taeil steps backwards. “you’re working too hard. i know you don’t sleep. you aren’t taking care of yourself,” johnny says softly.

 

“i’m fine,” taeil says through gritted teeth. “please, leave. i need to pass this final.”

 

“you’ll pass the final. please, take a break. we can go get some coffee,” johnny reaches out for him again and taeil jerks away violently. 

 

“get the fuck out.”

 

johnny’s eyes widen, never hearing taeil swear at anyone like that. “taeil, please. we can figure this out.”

 

i said, get the fuck out.”

 

“please-- “

 

“out!” taeil screams. he knows his neighbors can probably hear him, but he doesn’t care. “please, johnny, get the fuck out of my house. i don’t want to see you again.” he says through teary eyes. “you’re ruining everything.”

 

“you don’t mean that.”

 

“fuck you.”

 

johnny leaves quietly and when the door shuts, taeil crumples to the floor, tears streaming down his face. he sits there and sobs. he knows he doesn’t deserve johnny and he knows this is for the best. johnny deserves someone special who can give him everything he needs. that person is not taeil. 

 

he lets his tears soak his shirt until after a while, he’s just dry sobbing. he eventually gets up off the floor and looks at himself in the bathroom mirror. his eyes are bloodshot and his entire face is red, blotchy, and swollen. his final is in an hour, so he tries to make himself look as normal as possible and takes the bus to campus. the test is easy.

 

***

 

he visits doyoung and taeyong after finals week. they don’t question him about johnny and taeil wonders whether johnny told them anything. taeil doesn’t bring it up, and for a little while, he feels decent. it doesn’t last.

 

it’s mid december, the air is getting more bitter. taeil hasn’t talked to johnny in three weeks. he hasn’t gotten one text. 

 

it’s late when it happens. he can’t even blame it on anything. his internship is over and he passed all his classes. it’s too quiet and his mind tries to make up for it. it’s too much, his thoughts. he feels like a dumbass for letting johnny go when he knows he’s the only one who has made him feel the way he did. like things weren’t so bad.

 

taeil hasn’t cried since his fight with johnny, but here he is. he hates himself for being so weak and before he knows what he’s doing, he punches the drywall right next to his tv. his fist goes straight through and he groans in pain. He immediately looks at his fist. it’s already bloody and bruising. taeil feels the tears bubbling up again, that lump in his throat and sting in his eyes. 

 

his hands are shaky when he calls johnny’s number. he half expects him to not answer. he wouldn't blame him if he didn’t. but he does.

 

“johnny,” taeil knows his voice probably sounds fucked.

 

“taeil? are you okay?”

 

“johnny,” taeil hiccups. “i know y-you hate me, but i need you,” he whines at the end.

 

“i’ll be there in ten minutes. stay there,” that’s all he says. 

 

taeil nods, knowing johnny can’t see him, and hangs up the call. he sits there on the floor, a scene he has become familiar with.

 

johnny keeps his promise. he doesn’t bother to knock, just opens the door and drops down to the floor with taeil. “taeil, baby, are you okay?” taeil looks at him and bursts into tears. johnny coos gently and wraps his arms around taeil. taeil lets him. he lets himself feel safe in johnny arms. they sit there for a while, taeil crying into johnny's chest, while johnny strokes his back.

 

“i’m so sorry,” taeil whispers just loud enough for johnny to hear.

 

“taeil, it’s okay,”

 

“it’s not okay. i yelled at you. i-i put a hole through the wall,”

 

johnny shushes him. “i forgive you and the wall will be fine,” they pull away from each other just enough for johnny to brings taeil’s hand up to inspect the damage. his knuckles were already dark purple and the blood was dried. “oh baby,” he says and presses his lips gently to taeil’s knuckles. the older man winces.

 

“johnny, i’m sorry.”

 

“i know,” johnny sighs. “i was so worried about you, you know? i was so scared you had done something really bad. fuck, i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

 

“johnny—”

 

“i fucking love you,” johnny interupts. “i really love you.”

 

taeil’s eyes start to well up with tears again and johnny looks concerned. “taeil? i’m sorry i didn’t mean to—” 

 

“i think i love you too, you dummy,” taeil smiles for the first time in weeks.

 

johnny’s eyes light up and he takes taeil’s cheeks in his hands, delicate like the first they kissed, but this time, johnny kisses taeil’s forehead. “don’t push me away anymore; you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

 

johnny helps taeil up off the floor and cleans his knuckles, wiping the dry blood off and disinfecting it. he bandages his hand up like a mummy and taeil thinks he has never felt more loved in his entire life. 

 

***

 

it’s early february when johnny moves in with taeil. they decide to become official after that and all their friends are ecstatic. taeil is happier, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. johnny suggests that taeil see a therapist and for the first time, taeil does just that. 

 

it’s spring semester and taeil sees his therapist once a week. he’s prescribed antidepressants and it’s hard. he wants so hard to get better, but after years of the same thing, it’s easy to fall into old habits of not taking care of himself and working too hard. but johnny is there and when it does get hard, he’s always there to pull him back. sometimes taeil thinks he’s being too much and johnny will eventually get tired of him and leave, but he doesn’t.

 

***

 

it’s late may and taeil and johnny have been together for seven months. taeil finally finishes his senior year and johnny is in the crowd, along with taeyong and doyoung, watching him as he receives his diploma. they go to ihop afterwards and eat way too many pancakes. taeil doesn’t know what he’s going to do after graduation, but he’s happy right now and that’s all that matters to him.

 

the same night, taeil lets johnny see him. all of him. and johnny is so gentle, making taeil feel so good that he loses himself in the hot white pleasure. johnny is next to him, chest still heaving. taeil looks at johnny and feels so loved and begins to cry. johnny immediately thumbs the tears away.

 

“what’s wrong? did i do something? did it hurt?”

 

taeil laughs and buries his face into johnny’s chest. “i’m just so happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading


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